Before we get to the #1 spot, there's one more show that deserves mention.

Dishonorable Mention: Waratte Ii Tomo!

The title of the show translates to "Its Okay To Laugh!". Which is a pretty bold statement, considering they don't give you much to laugh at. Its almost like a dentist who specializes in root canals hanging a sign up over the dentists chair that reads "It's Okay to Orgasm!"

This show doesn't make the main list primarily because its daytime TV...and I think it's a rule of the cosmos that daytime TV must suck. Like, if Moses had stayed up on the mountain just wee bit longer, God would have carved "Thou Shalt Not Enjoy Daytime TV" as the 11th Commandment into the stone tablet. So I can't hate on it for sucking, because sucking is a part of its destiny. This show did teach me something rather eye-opening about Japanese TV in general though, which is why it gets the mention at least.

The show features Tamori as a host (he joins Sanma as one of the "Big 3"). Tamori conducts a dull interview with some random celebrity, and the rest of the show is devoted to celebrities playing games, often with food involved. ...But wait, this sounds almost exactly like every other show you've described so far, you may say. And you would be absolutely right. So, think about that for a moment - Japanese daytime and primetime TV are virtually identical.

The other thing I noticed while being subjected to this show is that the studio audience is 100% female. That got me thinking, and I realized that most shows had a predominately female audience. It makes sense, because Japanese guys are rarely ever home in the evenings. They work late hours, and even if/when they don't, there are drinking parties, trips to the local whorehouse, or hours to waste away at the pachinko parlor. And that's when everything clicked - Japanese TV is primarily meant for Japanese women. So its like a combination of daytime TV and the Lifetime Channel, on every channel, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.

So, for us guys, this is more or less the first step into Hell itself.

This is especially problematic for Japan, because Japanese women are exceptionally boring. This is a blanket statement, and of course there will be exceptions (like Ms. Americanized, for example), but any male who has ever dated enough Japanese girls can testify to just how infuriatingly dull they are. Trying to make conversation with one can be just as fun as trying to pull the wisdom teeth from a rabid sabretooth tiger, bare-handed.

What are your hobbies? a potential suitor may ask. Japanese girl replies - "I like to go shopping, and sleep." Goddamnit, sleeping is NOT a hobby. Going home and losing consciousness for several hours does not count as a hobby! ...The shopping I will refrain from commenting on. While I don't think it's a hobby, I'll also admit that I don't understand it, so I can't say much about it. Might as well be witchcraft.

So when you consider that this is the audience that Japanese TV is trying to entertain...yeah. Apparently, they can do nothing better than go to sleep when they are not working (if they work...), so its no wonder they can be easily amused by whatever nonsense is on TV. I'm thinking of making a new Japanese TV show where I spin a nickel on a tabletop for 25 minutes. I'm expecting decent ratings, and perhaps if I can get Sanma to help me spin my nickel as we eat and he laughs uncontrollably as I read from the Declaration of Independence, then the show should be a 10-year hit.

So, having had this revelation about Japanese TV, that brings us to my #1 most hated show...

#1: Gout Temps Nouveau

In this show, three women meet up at a café or a restaurant, and eat, drink, and talk. ...And, that's it. No, really. There are no crazy situations or insane stunts, no plot or storyline, and there isn't even the slightest bit of lesbian wrestling covered in baby oil (I would watch that...). This TV show amounts to nothing more than watching three women have a conversation, and perhaps eat or drink while doing so.

This is one of my wife's favorite TV shows.

Recently, my wife met up with two of her friends; S-san, and R-san, who had a baby last year. They got together at a café and ate/drank while talking. The wifey was telling me about this, and I just had to point something out...

Me: So the three of you hung out at a café and talked about life and romance and whatever shit women talk about?
Wife: Yeah, it was fun!
Me: Doesn't that sound a lot like that Gout Temps show you watch?
Wife: Well...when you put it that way...yes, it does.
Me: So then...if you can do this with your friends in real life...what's the point of watching it on TV?
Wife: But, the people on TV are celebrities!
Me: And, what do these celebrities talk about?
Wife: Well...life and romance and what not.
Me: And what do you and your friends talk about?
Wife: Well...life and romance and what not.
Me: *raises an eyebrow towards her*
Wife: But...they're celebrities!
Me: ...Sigh.

It should be noted that "Gout Temps Nouveau" is a renewal of "Gout Temps". What changed? I have no idea. I also don't know how long Gout Temps has been around, but I know it was airing when I first came to Japan, so that puts it at 6 years at least.

So keep this in mind - if you just happen to be free some day and want to randomly ask a Japanese friend of yours out for some conversation and food or drinks, without making a proper appointment well in advance to do so, you will probably be turned down. Your Japanese friend (especially if female) will then watch a TV show where people have conversations, food and drinks.

...Yep.

So that's my list. There were a lot of crappy shows I couldn't include because I don't want to write that much about bad Japanese TV. These are just my personal top 5 offenders. It amazes me that the television here can be so awful; it's a level of crap that I never imagined possible. But on the other hand, thanks to Japanese TV, I've rediscovered how awesome video games are (television has to be used for something) so I guess its not a complete loss. My only problem now is finding a way to get my wife off these shows before I'm driven completely insane.

If you all have any suggestions, I'd love to hear them.

The worst hits parade continues!

#3 - Sanma's Dancing Palace

This is one of those "round up a group of talent and just have them talk" shows. They tell "you had to be there" stories, which is boring because...well...we weren't there, these jackoffs aren't interesting, and I just don't care.

As this type of show dominates Japanese TV, I'm singling this one out because of the host, Sanma Akashiya. He's considered to be one of the "Big 3" entertainers in Japan, but watching this show "entertainment" is a terrible misuse of the word. As his guests say something supposedly funny, or stupid, he makes a horrible overreaction, braying like a donkey, falling to his knees, and often hitting a podium with a scepter that features a buck-toothed, dragon-head* likeness of himself. The podium seems to serve no other purpose than to give him something to hit with his Dragon Zord Scepter.

What, me make things up? Never!

Continue reading "Top 5 Most Hated Japanese TV, Part II"

And now, my Top 5 most hated Japanese TV shows.

I would like to stress again that this list is based purely on personal preference and experience. So if I've never seen a show and don't know of its existence, I can't really rank it. And while there may be more horrible shows out there, these are the ones that irk me on a personal level. Again, while the shows themselves might not be that terrible, you have to factor in that Japan offers nothing better - this is what passes for entertainment, and almost everything else is an uninspired re-hash of the same concepts over and over again.

While I gave a general explanation of it in the last post, I found that Wikipedia actually has an article about the geinojin/talent, here. So for those who are interested/curious to the point of dangerous obsession, someone has already written more about it than I would care to. So, enjoy.

But anyway, here we go.

#5 - Hey Hey Hey Music Champ

This show tries to pass itself off as a music show, but that's just a facade for the same 'ol crap of rounding up a bunch of talent, and having them talk/eat/play games. Except now its music talent, and they justify the "music" portion of the show by having the artist(s) play a 90 second version of whatever new single they've recently released.

Hey Hey Hey makes the list because it is exceptionally boring. I cannot overstate how mind-numbingly dull this show is. I can't even say bored to tears - tears would imply some sort of emotional response, something Hey Hey Hey couldn't do even if the guests and hosts all spontaneously exploded. You know the phrase "bored to death?" Sometimes I feel like watching Hey Hey Hey actually shortens my lifespan. Like a giant soul-sucking vacuum is placed on my chest for 30 minutes and my lifespan is tragically shortened.

But don't just take my word for it. Here's an example.

Host: (to a famous female artist) So, tell us about your "secret" personal life.
Singer: Well, many people may not know this, but I'm actually really good friends with [some other famous female singer].
(Mostly Female) Audience: .....EEEEEEHHHHHHH?!?!
Singer: Its true! When we aren't busy with recordings or tours we often go eat cake together.
My Wife: .....EEEEEEHHHHHHH?!?!
Me: .....No. You stop that immediately.
Wife: But, its interesting!
Me: Wow! Normal people do normal things! Yes, that certainly is fascinating.

That isn't something I just dreamed up, that actually happened.

Continue reading "Top 5 Most Hated Japanese TV, Part I"

I have spoken out on the evil that is Japanese TV quite often, but I realize I've never really gone in depth about it. Please allow me to do so now.

If I had my way, I would never watch it. My TV would only be used for video games, movies, and...um...entertainment of the adult persuasion. Unfortunately, my wife loves Japanese TV, a habit I have yet to break her of. Since she gets home before I do, the TV is already on and spewing its crap before I can even object. I have a subscription to cable TV which includes international versions of American channels, and I've even tried to steer her in the direction of music, but she always comes back to the boob tube. Sigh.

I feel that I should clarify exactly why Japanese TV sucks. I'm sure many of you are thinking "but, American TV sucks too!" And yes, there are a lot of horrible American TV shows that make you question your faith in justice in the universe. But I feel that for all the crap, there are gems that shine brightly enough to more than make up for it.

In Japan, its all crap.

Continue reading "Drivel In a Box"

If you all thought "uiiiiiish!" Daigo* was bad, let me introduce you to - IKKO.

*I was pleasantly surprised to see most of you think of the Street Fighter player Daigo first and foremost. I was also happy to see that entering in "Daigo" in YouTube returned more results of him than the Japanese rocker Daigo. Maybe the world isn't as hopeless as I feared...

In the words of Austin Powers, that's a man, baby!

I guess you would call IKKO the RuPaul of Japan. S/he rose to fame for being beautiful (????) and an expert on fashion and makeup. So many young Japanese girls follow IKKO's advice on how to do their makeup and look beautiful. ...Just think about that for a moment, let it roll around in your heads - Japanese girls turning to a cross-dresser dude on how to look pretty. ...Yup.

So IKKO will point out some beauty or health care product that s/he uses, and Japanese girls will FLOCK to go and buy it. Gotta love the group mentality, huh? I remember thinking, after seeing s/he endorse some beauty product on TV once, "I wish IKKO would endorse negro penis or something, have Japanese girls flocking to me in the hundreds of thousands."

And y'know...you really must be careful about what you wish for.

Continue reading "Barking Up The Wrong Tree"

The building where I work isn't a dedicated office building. Its got convention halls and a shopping center and stores and restaurants and all that stuff. So on Saturdays, it can get pretty lively with people coming here for events or just to shop or whatever.

One particular Saturday*, I went downstairs to grab lunch when, without even really giving it a second thought, I walked right past a 30-year old woman dressed up as Yuna from Final Fantasy X. It literally took a while to register, like at first I just walked by her and thought "Oh, that's Yuna" and didn't pay it any mind. Only a few steps later did I have to stop and think, "Hey, waitaminute. Why is a 30-year old woman dressed up like a video game character here in the middle of this shopping/convention/whatever the hell this is complex?" The fact that I was originally unphased by this worries me greatly. Have I become desensitized? Oh God...

*Yes, I do work some Saturdays. Sucks, but it can't be helped I guess. I am becoming Japanese.

As I progressed further, I found that Yuna wasn't the only one. I'd walked straight into a cosplay convention. Or, more accurately, the convention itself would be held downstairs, but the cosplayers were out and about, putting the finishing touches on their costumes, enjoying the nice weather, or posing for numerous pictures.

Continue reading "Cosplay Revisited"

Japan has gone to the pigs.

There's an outbreak of swine flu here in the Kansai region, specifically Osaka and Kobe. I know, I'm supposed to call it H1N1 or whatever, but that name sucks. Swine flu it is! What, are we expected to be politically correct to pigs now? Fuck that nonsense.

Anyway, pig AIDS. Some school kids have gotten it and have been passing it around like Mariah Carey at a rapper's convention, so now everyone here has gone bat-shit insane over fears of getting the pig AIDS and dying. I'm not really surprised that its spread so quickly in the schools, I think I mentioned way back when that schools are little incubation houses for whatever Virus of the Moment is popular. If you work in a school and some sort of cold or flu breaks, you might as well pencil in your sick days in your calendar.

Continue reading "Pig Sty"